my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
