As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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