Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
