Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
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I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
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