Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
