so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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