I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
