i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Randomize
