you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
