Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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