Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
