He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
This baby is an asshole
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
