well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
