thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
