I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
The Olympian is in my bed
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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