I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
