remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Randomize
