I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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