there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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