My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
