she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
