dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
