im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
