walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
