He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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