I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
