Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize