I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
