I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
