I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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