at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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