i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
