i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
