I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
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eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You pole danced in your parka.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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