does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
