oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
