my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
