too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
