guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
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It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
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I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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