he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
