none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
