I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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