My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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