Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
