I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Pants are for mortals
Randomize
