even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
