How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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