I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
