apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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