Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
