you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
