Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
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She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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