I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Randomize
