Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
