The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
