just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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