Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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